I would never say anything like this to a real woman. I like to have all of my parts in working condition.

Dear Japan,

You’re really nice and very cute, but you sometimes have problems. Remember when you got captured by those weird demon creatures and they gave you that rare condition? I know that you took some medication to fix that, but there’s something else that we need to talk about.

Well, I think that you’re nice and all, but I’d really like it if you could make yourself look a little nicer. Don’t take this the wrong way. You look really nice, but sometimes I think you put a little too much effort sometimes. Remember, less is more. I don’t want you to think that I’m being mean so I won’t talk about those dark times anymore.

What I really want to say is this: You’d look nicer if you were a little more natural. No, I don’t mean down there. I don’t even know why you brought that up. Anyways, maybe you should think about putting on a little less makeup? Remember that one time when you decided to look a little more natural? That looked really nice and everyone loved it. Maybe you should do something like that again?

Besides, it’s nice to do something a little different every once in a while. It was really great when you wore the green number to that spring party. The accessory that you wore in your hair looked really wonderful too. I’m not just saying this because you always wear the same thing, just that this outfit seems to fit you a little better.

You must not remember that party too much I guess; you did have more than a fair share of alcohol, but I do remember that night. I was quite taken when you were wearing that outfit (except when you vomited in their golf club bag). It fit you quite well. Is this bringing anything back? No?

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Anyways, I know you really like that gray outfit, but doesn’t it get a little hot in the summer? Cooler colors would probably feel a lot better, don’t you think?