You know how Sarah Palin knew so much about the “Death Panels”? It’s because her sister, Sara Perin, was eaten alive by one. I fight so that I won’t succumb to the same fate.

For those of you that somehow don’t know this, Japan has a socialized health care system. I have just learned this (thanks to not paying any attention) and now I’m desperately trying to make it out of the country before they murder me and use my bone marrow to power futuristic raccoon dogs with robot skeletons. Please continue reading what I have wrote from a dark corner while hugging both my dog and my computer.

I recieved my health insurance card last year. When you get your card they also give you a list of payment deadlines that will always finish before April. I have been making payments since that time but I did not know that I was feeding the socialist beast; Japan looks like a first world nation so I thought, just like all other first world nations, that Japan’s healthcare system was 100% private so that informed individuals could make rational decisions without being bullied by a dangerous and ravenous governmental entity. How horrifyingly wrong I was. But what was I supposed to believe? The monthly price I was paying was so low what else could have I suspected? I assumed it was low because it was following in the footsteps of it’s big brother, America.

Would you believe me if I said that this is my payment (approx. $200) for the whole year?

I went to the dentist a while ago, this is when I first knew that something was wrong. Everything was going fine (or so I thought) until I realized that she wasn’t asking me if I wanted Hyperwhite XL47 incisors to replace my boring regular incisors and she kept mentioning things that would be cheap and useful (note: I looked up the definition of what she was doing and it was a word like “do prazzical” or something like that). I tried to bring them up in our conversation but she would just not listen and asked be about my brushing habits. I left as quickly as I could, after paying of course, and I went straight to the nearest electronics shop so that I could drown myself in the sound of teeth-gnashingly brutal commerce; I managed to not go on long rants when talking to those around me, but this was only stopped by a sale on a laptop with only 6 units in stock.

The facade finally went away to reveal the true form of the Japanese health care system when I received my new set of payment stubs today. Now I know the truth. I’ve learned that I’m not just paying for my own healthcare but the healthcare of deadbeats and old people (ewwwww). I know that although I only have to pay at most 30% for pretty much anything related to healthcare I am supporting a system that will purposefully try to (personally!) murder me through a committee of samey-looking Japanese suits. Why couldn’t they have emulated the best healthcare system in the world? When I need medical help the government doesn’t know exactly what I need, my doctor and I do. They’re just wasting taxpayer dollars like all the other crazy socialist countries. And if I don’t have any money to pay my doctor then that tells me that I don’t need care, do I? Why would it be good for be to take money from someone who would use it on something much better, like the new iPhone.

This, my largest monthly bill ($40) would be a good down payment on a new laptop. Alas.

I am stuck here for now in this socialist hellhole, but I will try to get out somehow. If I have to shove my dog down my pants and swim to China I’ll do so. Until then I just have to hope that they don’t come for me, if that ever happens I’ll end up as a statistic. This ends my communique.