I give you chocolate, you give me brown furry lovin’.

The biggest difference is that men don’t give any chocolate to anyone, even loved ones, on Valentine’s Day. Over here, the holiday is all about women giving chocolate, mostly, to me(n). This is not solely a holiday of celebrating love, it’s a holiday imported to spur the sale of chocolate, which is given liberally by women on this day. If you’re a woman, you have three basic categories of chocolate that you’ll give — 本命チョコ (honmei choko), 友チョコ (tomo choko), and 義理チョコ (giri choko).

Honmei choko is what you give to the one(s) you like/love, not much different than any others tradition; tomo choko is chocolate you give to your friends; and giri choko is what you give to people you have to give chocolate to, not because you’d like to. This is the other huge gaping divergence between Japanese Valentine’s Day and many other places. Your annoying boss gets chocolate. That creepy guy in your department that you never like to be around gets chocolate. The bordering-on-sex-offender asshole? Yeah, probably him too. It sounds annoying but it’s a nice gesture and since everyone knows that (unless they’re extremely naive) you don’t have to worry about mixed messages.

Ihavetogiveyouthiseventhoughyoudon’thaveanose.
Pleasedon’tlookatmeanymorethankyoubye.

Now this might seem like a raw deal for the ladies, but they get their returnuppance at a later date.

Mochi is stick rice with an attitude so bad people feel the need to take up arms and beat it into a squishy, but tasty, pulp. After making it soft with a mallet of compliance, you grab your favorite Japanese topping (fish eyes for me), sprinkle some of it on and enjoy. If you’re eating mochi and there’s something else on/near it it’s probably one of Japan’s top 3 mochi toppings: anko (あんこ, red bean paste), kinako (きな粉, soybean flour), or oroshi (おろし, grated Japanese radish). If you don’t happen to find any of these as appealing toppings then you can use your blonde-haired western innovation and create new toppings. For a start, try honey or maple syrup.

This wailing on cantankerous rice usually occurs in December for one big reason, New Years. You might be surprised by this, but (contrary to what some people might think) Japan celebrates the beginning of a new year on January 1 and not how they do it in China; funny, no?

I lost the shell but I still have the leathery skin!

One of the main reasons they make and eat mochi at this time is to kill off a bunch of the older people in Japan, similar to Logan’s Run. They give them these tasty semi-small rice traps with the intent to kill and sometimes it works. However, you’re probably remembering that Japan has the highest average life-span (even though they have evil socialist trotskyite medicine) and now you’re trying to say that I’m wrong. No. The Japanese elderly are a crafty bunch; their doctor might say they’re going to give them a state of the art hip and actually give them 700g of gumption instead (it’s much cheaper) and yet those old people just won’t die.

Don’t go thinking that just because the younger generation is attempting to kill the oldies that there is a lot of animosity towards the youngies; they actually manage to have lots of fun while (most of the time) escaping from the clutches of squishy death. It’s all part of the circle of life and those old people know it.

You’re next, old man.

So what should you take away from this? Enjoy mochi, either the Japanese way or your own, and don’t grow old, ever. EVER.

Me and my wife are having some sexual troubles.
This happens every time we try to have sex.

Sometime today, cordite, a lowly New York born lady that made ends meet by cleaning up crime scenes, and uranium-235, a tough-as-nails Massachusetts bred punchfighter detective that drowned his constant everyday sorrows in vodka and peaches, fulfilled a promise that was made a long time ago in Manhattan. None of their friends or relatives really expected that anything like this would happen to either of them, but no one really ever expects events like these.

After jumping from the plane, the met mid-air and their “love collision” caused a bomb of pheromones that has rarely been seen since. Although the locals were not pleased with this PDA there was little they could do about it, you know (flames of love are sometimes overly passionate). Today, because of this overt, but sexy, display of affection there is a museum that displays artifacts that existed at the time of this love-boomshakalaka. Although many were damaged by the shock of hip on hip action there are still some in non-shitty condition. I suggest, if you’re in the area (and you should be), you should stop by and visit this wonderful area of love and seamen.

Everyone who cleans up crimes scenes looks approximately like this.

Hurrr, fire’s purty.

So what does it all mean? Why does a composition of metals and powder equal a beautiful display of sparks and how does the average Japanese person, an existentialist, incorporate this into their worldview? Although it might seem surprising to some, the displays of all of the festivals in Japan have the same meaning; fireworks are pretty. There really isn’t much more to it than that.

Now I’m not saying that Japanese people are dumb or shallow because they have festivals and shoot off fireworks for no other reason than that they’re fun/awesome/(positive adjective), just that they choose to do it for its own sake. There are times when they are used for a reason such as American Independence, Guy Fawkes Night, Canada Day, etc but a similar equivalent holiday in Japan (Founding of Japan Day, Feb 11, or Constitution Day, May 3) does not have any real celebration to accompany it. These holidays are low key events and everyone usually just celebrates having a day off and not the actual event. If there are fireworks somewhere it is because someone is having a festival with fireworks afterwards.

Right after this picture was taken we were all crushed by a massive 4×4 truck.

Ise city held their fireworks festival on the 17th of this month. I along with other scary and extremely dangerous white people went to go eat some overpriced food and watch things explode. Like many other festivals, people will come very early so they can put down a tarp and claim a spot for themselves and their family. If you don’t grab a spot early enough you’ll be stuck standing or all of the remaining spots are so bad that no one wants to take them. After you get a spot you’re going to need some food and a drink.

Food at a festival consists of the following: tomorokoshi (grilled corn), yakisoba, takoyaki (octopus pancake thingy), kakigori (shaved ice), fried chicken, okonomiyaki (Japanese pancakce thingy), and yakitori. I had chicken and yakisoba surrounded by a thin omelette, delicious, but dangerously so. Festival fare, be it food or drink, is somewhere from 300-500 yen (with the occasional deviation). This means that if you want a beer at a festival you’re going to pay 500 yen or, do the reasonable thing, go to the convenience store; anytime there’s a festival the closest convenience stores always make a killing, why buy one beer when you get 2 for the same price?

Can you find all the chikan in this picture?

The fireworks? Yeah, they were nice to see. And even though there isn’t anything that is being celebrated that doesn’t mean that one can’t have a party just because.

I put on brownface and got an Indian immigrant to take the test for me. I should have paid him less.

Maybe this is an “I’m sorry we don’t share our interesting statistics, sorry” present, but I can’t be sure since it didn’t say that on the envelope. Nevertheless, I have now reached a level that very few whiteys and zero weeaboos will ever reach. I will now pretend for the next 10 minutes or so that I am important.

The kanji 初 (はつ) means first and if you’re in Japan in January it’s likely you’ll hear it a lot. Some of them you might find obvious, so don’t hit me with your fist (or any other thing that’s hard). Also, make sure you append “of/for the year” to the end of each of these so I don’t have to write the same thing over and over again, it doesn’t look good from a design standpoint.

初音 (hatsune) – First sound
初空 (hatsusora) – First sky
初日 (hatsuhi) – First sunrise
初夢 (hatsuyume) – First dream
初姿 (hatsusugata) – First time wearing kimono
初湯 (hatsuyu) – First bath
初売り (hatsuuri) – First time selling goods
初釜 (hatsugama) – First tea ceremony
初詣 (hatsumode) – First temple visit
初場所 (hastubasho) – First sumo match
初花 (hatsuhana) – First blooming flower

There are other firsts that happen throughout the year, but pretty much all of the big ones happen in January, sometimes you’ll do many at the same time. Out of all of the firsts listed, the biggest/most important one is definitely hatsumode. Most Japanese people have their first temple visit within the first few days of the new year. In the Mie area, many people make their first temple visit of the year at Ise shrine because well, read about it.

The Ise Grand Shrine in Japan (which is actually a series of over 100 shrines) is the most sacred shrine in Japan. It is dedicated to Amaterasu (the Sun goddess) and has been in existence since 4BC. The main shrine is alleged to hold the most important item in Japan’s imperial history: the Naikū (the mirror from Japanese mythology which eventually ended up in the hands of the first emperors). The shrine is demolished and rebuilt every 20 years in keeping with the Shinto idea of death and rebirth (the next rebuilding will be in 2013). This ranks very high on the list of places you will never go because the only person who can enter is the priest or priestess and he must be a member of the Japanese imperial family. So unless we have a Japanese prince or princess reading the site, no one here will ever see anything more than the thatched roof of the Ise Grand Shrine.

I, being ever so Japanese, have not been to a shrine at all this year (even though it’s almost the second month of the year). I blame it on laziness, but it could always be some demi-god who wants to hold me down and keep me from reaching my true potential. I guess we’ll never know without the help of the Japanese ghostbusters.

Don’t go without protection.

I haven’t gone in person to one of these yet so, unfortunately (or maybe not), I can’t really tell you more than what I know from what other people have told me/written down. What I can do is show you a video that lets you see the clothing they wear on this day as well as a description of the events. Maybe I’ll go Jack Bauer style on one of them and pry out some information (and molars!).

Also, since the drinking/smoking age is 20 this is a time for many to celebrate by going out drinking. Just don’t tell them that I told you this.

My power level is over 9000.

It came as an early birthday present, which was nice. Now I’m planning to fail level two a couple of times, which should be fun.

Speaking of my birthday, it was quite birthdayish. I’ll be waiting for everyone to give me another birthday party whenever you see me. That’s how it works, right?

Further note. Your word for the week is 霜焼け (Shimoyake, Frost + Burn) which is what my fingers are recovering from because the owner of said fingers is a moron.

KFCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCC!

So now we have everyone in Japan believing not just that you must eat chicken, but it has to be a bucket of chicken, preferably from a white plantation owner who likes his wings extra crispy (but passes on the orange soda and watermelon). Everything is all falling into place. Now you can find buckets of chicken everywhere in Japan when it’s feeling quite solsticy (or is it solsticey?) outside. If we’re not careful, there will be the clone of Colonel Sanders ruling with the help of UN MAN. It chills me to the core. We must save ourselves from this unfortunate, but quite tasty, fate.