Hurrr, fire’s purty.

So what does it all mean? Why does a composition of metals and powder equal a beautiful display of sparks and how does the average Japanese person, an existentialist, incorporate this into their worldview? Although it might seem surprising to some, the displays of all of the festivals in Japan have the same meaning; fireworks are pretty. There really isn’t much more to it than that.

Now I’m not saying that Japanese people are dumb or shallow because they have festivals and shoot off fireworks for no other reason than that they’re fun/awesome/(positive adjective), just that they choose to do it for its own sake. There are times when they are used for a reason such as American Independence, Guy Fawkes Night, Canada Day, etc but a similar equivalent holiday in Japan (Founding of Japan Day, Feb 11, or Constitution Day, May 3) does not have any real celebration to accompany it. These holidays are low key events and everyone usually just celebrates having a day off and not the actual event. If there are fireworks somewhere it is because someone is having a festival with fireworks afterwards.

Right after this picture was taken we were all crushed by a massive 4×4 truck.

Ise city held their fireworks festival on the 17th of this month. I along with other scary and extremely dangerous white people went to go eat some overpriced food and watch things explode. Like many other festivals, people will come very early so they can put down a tarp and claim a spot for themselves and their family. If you don’t grab a spot early enough you’ll be stuck standing or all of the remaining spots are so bad that no one wants to take them. After you get a spot you’re going to need some food and a drink.

Food at a festival consists of the following: tomorokoshi (grilled corn), yakisoba, takoyaki (octopus pancake thingy), kakigori (shaved ice), fried chicken, okonomiyaki (Japanese pancakce thingy), and yakitori. I had chicken and yakisoba surrounded by a thin omelette, delicious, but dangerously so. Festival fare, be it food or drink, is somewhere from 300-500 yen (with the occasional deviation). This means that if you want a beer at a festival you’re going to pay 500 yen or, do the reasonable thing, go to the convenience store; anytime there’s a festival the closest convenience stores always make a killing, why buy one beer when you get 2 for the same price?

Can you find all the chikan in this picture?

The fireworks? Yeah, they were nice to see. And even though there isn’t anything that is being celebrated that doesn’t mean that one can’t have a party just because.

I put on brownface and got an Indian immigrant to take the test for me. I should have paid him less.

Maybe this is an “I’m sorry we don’t share our interesting statistics, sorry” present, but I can’t be sure since it didn’t say that on the envelope. Nevertheless, I have now reached a level that very few whiteys and zero weeaboos will ever reach. I will now pretend for the next 10 minutes or so that I am important.

The kanji 初 (はつ) means first and if you’re in Japan in January it’s likely you’ll hear it a lot. Some of them you might find obvious, so don’t hit me with your fist (or any other thing that’s hard). Also, make sure you append “of/for the year” to the end of each of these so I don’t have to write the same thing over and over again, it doesn’t look good from a design standpoint.

初音 (hatsune) – First sound
初空 (hatsusora) – First sky
初日 (hatsuhi) – First sunrise
初夢 (hatsuyume) – First dream
初姿 (hatsusugata) – First time wearing kimono
初湯 (hatsuyu) – First bath
初売り (hatsuuri) – First time selling goods
初釜 (hatsugama) – First tea ceremony
初詣 (hatsumode) – First temple visit
初場所 (hastubasho) – First sumo match
初花 (hatsuhana) – First blooming flower

There are other firsts that happen throughout the year, but pretty much all of the big ones happen in January, sometimes you’ll do many at the same time. Out of all of the firsts listed, the biggest/most important one is definitely hatsumode. Most Japanese people have their first temple visit within the first few days of the new year. In the Mie area, many people make their first temple visit of the year at Ise shrine because well, read about it.

The Ise Grand Shrine in Japan (which is actually a series of over 100 shrines) is the most sacred shrine in Japan. It is dedicated to Amaterasu (the Sun goddess) and has been in existence since 4BC. The main shrine is alleged to hold the most important item in Japan’s imperial history: the Naikū (the mirror from Japanese mythology which eventually ended up in the hands of the first emperors). The shrine is demolished and rebuilt every 20 years in keeping with the Shinto idea of death and rebirth (the next rebuilding will be in 2013). This ranks very high on the list of places you will never go because the only person who can enter is the priest or priestess and he must be a member of the Japanese imperial family. So unless we have a Japanese prince or princess reading the site, no one here will ever see anything more than the thatched roof of the Ise Grand Shrine.

I, being ever so Japanese, have not been to a shrine at all this year (even though it’s almost the second month of the year). I blame it on laziness, but it could always be some demi-god who wants to hold me down and keep me from reaching my true potential. I guess we’ll never know without the help of the Japanese ghostbusters.

Don’t go without protection.

I haven’t gone in person to one of these yet so, unfortunately (or maybe not), I can’t really tell you more than what I know from what other people have told me/written down. What I can do is show you a video that lets you see the clothing they wear on this day as well as a description of the events. Maybe I’ll go Jack Bauer style on one of them and pry out some information (and molars!).

Also, since the drinking/smoking age is 20 this is a time for many to celebrate by going out drinking. Just don’t tell them that I told you this.

My power level is over 9000.

It came as an early birthday present, which was nice. Now I’m planning to fail level two a couple of times, which should be fun.

Speaking of my birthday, it was quite birthdayish. I’ll be waiting for everyone to give me another birthday party whenever you see me. That’s how it works, right?

Further note. Your word for the week is 霜焼け (Shimoyake, Frost + Burn) which is what my fingers are recovering from because the owner of said fingers is a moron.

KFCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCC!

So now we have everyone in Japan believing not just that you must eat chicken, but it has to be a bucket of chicken, preferably from a white plantation owner who likes his wings extra crispy (but passes on the orange soda and watermelon). Everything is all falling into place. Now you can find buckets of chicken everywhere in Japan when it’s feeling quite solsticy (or is it solsticey?) outside. If we’re not careful, there will be the clone of Colonel Sanders ruling with the help of UN MAN. It chills me to the core. We must save ourselves from this unfortunate, but quite tasty, fate.

Before the New Year is officially rung in, things can go a bunch of different ways. Some people will go to a bar (or club or whatever) and party until midnight/6, families will probably just stay home watching TV. Annoying, racist, cranky old men yearning for the past might have some special soba noodles (which is supposed to be a symbol of long life), but they will die when they eat hot mochi (餅, もち, they call it a rice cake, but it’s a chewy rice thing. sometimes there’s bean paste inside. it’s actually tasty); cranky man is dead (applause). Since celebrating beforehand is relatively recent, and is mostly catered to a young audience, the different stuff really happens sometime on and after January 1.

If Georgia O Keeffe was a chef.

People will usually go to a temple some time during the 1st. This is something that can’t wait for some people, so they’ll go to the temple right after midnight. They ring a bell and everyone starts a spontaneous, but well choreographed, dance. The next day they’ll begin to eat stuff from a big box. The stuff in this box is called osechiryori (お節料理, おせちりょうり) and it’s mostly just a bunch of little foods that each have a meaning. There’s a ton of them and I’m not going to tell you the meaning, but you can click and see for yourself.

Look at us. We mean something dammit!

New Years in Japan isn’t really a festival, but a bunch of little things that each have their own meaning (all good, except when you choke and die).

First order of business. Christmas cake! Is this a tradition with anyone? It’s not just in Japan, but I never really experienced it for myself in America. Maybe it’s because my family hates my happiness (lie). Maybe it’s because although I grew up near fields, I was never near a field of cakes (those fields are in Candyland).

So what is Christmas cake? Retard zombies could guess and be at least half correct. It’s cake! With strawberries. THAT’S IT. They don’t infuse it with giant robots or anything to make your eyes bigger than your gall bladder… unfortunately. Yeah, so it’s nothing special. That’s too bad.

This cake destroys your taste buds with happiness

Second item of the day. Pre Christmas celebrations. This really isn’t that much different from what any of you are used to. You might see lights or hear Christmas songs. It’s pretty much the exact same capitalistic orgy that can be found in any country that celebrates Christmas nowadays. However things get different when you get to Christmas Eve.

Third thing that I will exclaim. Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. Christmas eve is a time for couples. It’s supposed to be romantic or something. They eat dinner and sex and maybe something else. Cute.

And then Christmas comes. But it means nothing here. Christmas day is just another day. No exchanging presents, no day off work, you can go out and do whatever, no tradition (yet). Some people might exchange gifts, but if they do it’s probably because of some sneaky foreigner trying to subvert Japan (the revolution will come rapped in a bow).

Christmas in Japan is some odd makeshift version that combines the slutty legs of Paris Hilton (capitalism) and the wonderfulness of Charlotte Church (Christmas Cake and…. more cake). There’s not much decorating and trees really only go up in malls or other public areas.

You get free clones when you come to Japan. This is my clone.

Christmas might become popular in the future, but for now it’s just for romance and a way for store to try to make some more money.

Alvis. Reminds me of the Three Chipmunks.

She told me some things that I should expect as well. She asked me if I could write kanji, which I said I could as long as I can see it. Also mentioned what that I need to be able to use a word processor and use a computer. Not too hard so far. The one thing that I found interesting is that I have to take an English test. I thought I heard her wrong (the conversation was all in Japanese) and so I said that I have not taken any English tests. Fortunately, she reiterated her point that I would have to take an English test and that a Japanese dictionary is allowed.

It says that they require a foreigner with delusions of grandeur

and kickboxes in their free time. I’m in.

I’m not really sure what to expect for this test. She didn’t really give any more details, but at no point did she say it was a translation test (翻訳 hon’yaku, written translation. 通訳 tsuuyaku, oral translation). Maybe it is a translation test? I have a sneaking suspicion that it could just be an English test as the company was initially looking for a Japanese person with a pretty good TOEIC score (800). Either it might be challenging (translation) or it will be painfully easy (just english); I’m hoping for the latter.

I was born with a huge… English vocabulary.

I’ve been told by a little birdie that the length of the interview positively correlates with the chance of getting the job. They told me that an interview that is as long or longer than 10-15 minutes is a good sign. I don’t really know any more details, but I’ll tell you the rest of the process after I fail miserably and am in my glum post-interview state.