After receiving it I immediately ran home and blacked out. After lying on the floor in a near coma for a week, subsisting on nothing but doggie love, I woke up and started to translate what I was given so that I might spread the message in a way similar to cancer or AIDS. What I have below is the front side of what the gods want to tell you.

I’ll translate some of the back later, but I need to go into a coma again before I can do that.

Click for the piously large version!

Even God has a plan.

[Top Right] Why are we brought into this world? Why are we here? Why did the gods create us? What is the purpose of it all? The god that made us has a plan.

1. In the 7th dimension, the god that rules over all came into being – It created time and space. Continuing, It created the fire and water sprits before creating the universe.

2. The god of all then arrived in the 6th dimension and spoke the human race into creation.
“It is not necessary for you to have the power of the gods, but the power to move things, create and innovate I have created something that is, in a way, greater than the gods.” It then required the creation of a world similar to heaven for the people to use.

3. In this way did the human race start its existence in 3D space (the physical world) on earth. Humans absolutely didn’t come from apes or monkeys, we are now as we have always been.

4. The people were led by the sun god and had control over their greed. Because of this there was peace, but no progress or development as there was little need. At that time the true gods who had control over the seat of power were overthrown by the moon gods. This is what we call “Gate of the Celestial Rock Cave” (wiki link for more details). Humans now became filled with greed and pushed forward society. Civilization started to progress at a rapid pace.

5. However, the now greedy humans began to fight one another and there were many massacres and wars. The resulting death count made some dream of a heaven on earth (a better world). To act as a brake against the violent people of the world, the gods used some humans, such as Buddha and Jesus (among others), as prophets.

6. Even after that the insatiable greed of humanity led civilization to reach a splendorous peak. This progress came at a price, Mother Earth was now in dire straits after being ravaged incessantly. On New Years 1962, the real gods returned to the seat of power. This event is called the “Reversal of Divine Will”.

7. Now we are heading towards the establishment of a new, spiritual civilization. On our way there will be a baptism by (the) fire (spirit) – there will be many strange and happenings and calamities across the globe.

People on this Earth, isn’t now the time to act like the gods require of you? “Things”, “Money”, “What feels good”, these greedy and selfish ways only lead to a violent way of life and should be cast aside. A world without want for war, confrontation, and conflict – a world of peace – is in the process of being created. We will break down all walls separating us (religion, race, ideology) and make our way to a new world filled with love and peace. Won’t you be a member of “God’s Team” and join us in this quest?

Ateji are very interesting for a myriad of reasons – you can find them with Japanese words, they usually don’t make any sense, but they can sometimes be quite interesting. One of the most used ateji for a Japanese word you’ll see is for the word バカ (baka, stupid, dumb). The kanji that are used now are 馬 (horse) and 鹿 (deer) and this gives us 馬鹿 (baka, stupid, dumb) which, if you were to try and read it by kanji alone, turns out to be horsedeer; that’s not very descriptive at all, but that’s not the point. At this time in Japanese history how they usually wrote down foreign words was to find kanji that (usually) kind of fit the meaning but, more importantly, had the same sound. So what does a country (who is turning every foreign word into a amalgamation of kanji) do when it has a bunch of country names that don’t have a Japanese name?

Fun! 亜米利加 is the old Japanese way to write America – 亜 (a) 米 (mei) 利 (ri) 加 (ka). The other one up at the top is France – 仏 (fu) 蘭 (ran) 西 (su). These days they just use the katakana of each name but these ateji country names live on in their own little way. When you talk about a country’s language you usually have a shorter form. And as with the ateji names the kanji they use to talk about each country doesn’t make sense as they both come from the same time period. 仏語 is not the language of Budda (仏) but French. 独語 isn’t the language of being alone, it’s German. I don’t think all (non east-asian) languages have a name like this in Japanese but given the number of languages in the world I’d say it’s an easy guess to make.

Here’s a short list of some countries and their ateji. If you want a full list look here.

印度 (インド) – India
伊蘭/義蘭 (イラン) – Iran

濠太剌利 or 澳大利亜 (オーストラリア) – Australia
新西蘭 (ニュージーランド) – New Zealand

愛蘭 (アイルランド) – Ireland
英吉利 (イギリス) – Great Britain; United Kingdom
伊太利亜 (イタリア) – Italy
墺太利亜 (オーストリア) – Austria
和蘭 (オランダ) – Netherlands
希臘 (ギリシャ) – Greece
瑞西 (スイス) – Switzerland
瑞典 (スウェーデン) – Sweden
西班牙 (スペイン) – Spain
丁抹 (デンマーク) – Denmark
独逸 (ドイツ) – Germany
諾威 (ノルウェー) – Norway
仏蘭西 (フランス) – France
露西亜 (ロシア) – Russia

埃及 (エジプト) – Egypt
南阿弗利加 (南アフリカ) – South Africa

亜米利加 (アメリカ) – America (USA)
加奈陀 (カナダ) – Canada
伯剌西爾 (ブラジル) – Brazil
墨西哥 (メキシコ) – Mexico

I give you chocolate, you give me brown furry lovin’.

The biggest difference is that men don’t give any chocolate to anyone, even loved ones, on Valentine’s Day. Over here, the holiday is all about women giving chocolate, mostly, to me(n). This is not solely a holiday of celebrating love, it’s a holiday imported to spur the sale of chocolate, which is given liberally by women on this day. If you’re a woman, you have three basic categories of chocolate that you’ll give — 本命チョコ (honmei choko), 友チョコ (tomo choko), and 義理チョコ (giri choko).

Honmei choko is what you give to the one(s) you like/love, not much different than any others tradition; tomo choko is chocolate you give to your friends; and giri choko is what you give to people you have to give chocolate to, not because you’d like to. This is the other huge gaping divergence between Japanese Valentine’s Day and many other places. Your annoying boss gets chocolate. That creepy guy in your department that you never like to be around gets chocolate. The bordering-on-sex-offender asshole? Yeah, probably him too. It sounds annoying but it’s a nice gesture and since everyone knows that (unless they’re extremely naive) you don’t have to worry about mixed messages.

Ihavetogiveyouthiseventhoughyoudon’thaveanose.
Pleasedon’tlookatmeanymorethankyoubye.

Now this might seem like a raw deal for the ladies, but they get their returnuppance at a later date.

Japan likes quiz shows. There are many of them on TV, each distinct from the others in some way, but they lack some things that are essential to other foreign game shows; if you compare Japanese shows to ones from the country I popped out of the main two differences are lack of common people and no prizes. One of the most popular quiz shows in Japan, recently, is Hexagon 2. Before we talk about the actual show we might as well talk more in depth about the differences between Japanese and other quiz shows.

While North American quiz shows only have famous people on every once in a while, if you watch a quiz show in Japan you’re likely not going to see any non-famous people unless if they cut to the audience – and they don’t hardly ever do that; this is just a fact of life over here. I could try to come up with a reason why you don’t see many blue/white-collar people on these shows but no matter what I say it will be rooted in conjecture. Nonetheless, it does have many advantages over having a bunch of regular people on a show (e.g. flow, humor).

We’re going to be here for a while.

Whatever type of show you’re watching (well, excepting news and similar programing), there’s going to be banter. In a lot of ways this is the lifeblood of Japanese television. It’s also something that can’t be assured if your cast/teams for the day are in front of a camera for the first time in their life. Try this (without having a long, tedious, casting call) on a show that would normally have two semi-famous people word-punching and you’ll almost certainly see the ratings fling itself off of the closest 10 story building and land at your feet for you to call time of death. I don’t really think I need to explain why there isn’t any money or prizes, right?

Hexagon 2, don’t worry about 1, gives us an interesting look into Japanese culture that we can’t find as easily on other shows, of the quizzical variety or not. Other quiz shows in Japan mostly try to have contestants that show some competency in a variety of subjects, but Hexagon purposefully has their teams consist of the whole spectrum from mouth breathers to those that are already manually editing their DNA by themselves. It started off as their schtick but, given its popularity, it’s obviously captured the attention of many Japanese (for at least one hour a week).

Jus’ ridin’ on the coattails of my slutty-ish sister.

How do we know who hasn’t watered their brain with knowledge juice besides their inability to answer questions? Prior to each episode each contestant takes a short test that covers a general smattering of what they should expect to hear during the program. Then during the beginning of the show all of the players on each team are ranked by their score. This ordering is of little importance through most of the episode (the easier question sets render order unimportant). This all changes in the final part of each show. The main, and likely most popular, portion of the show is the quiz relay. Each member of their team must correctly answer a question before the teammate behind them can have a chance of answering a question. Since this is a IFRL (intelligent first, retarded last) relay, it quickly devolves into a facepalm matsuri.

So what, if anything, does the popularity of this show tell us about Japan? If anything, I’d have to say laughter that comes from complete bewilderment. Bewilderment over how some of these people can be so dumb and yet still be on one of the rungs of the celebrity step-ladder; they can’t read kanji that a 12 year old can read and yet here they are on the TV. Hexagon 2 is, at times, a B (and C) celebrity version of “Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?”.

One effect this type of show can have is to help everyone see that all celebrities are, after all, just regular people. No need for pedestals nor reverence for people who really are just in a different industry than the blue-collar worker. And what way better to show that than a nice shower.

For the proletariat!

Mochi is stick rice with an attitude so bad people feel the need to take up arms and beat it into a squishy, but tasty, pulp. After making it soft with a mallet of compliance, you grab your favorite Japanese topping (fish eyes for me), sprinkle some of it on and enjoy. If you’re eating mochi and there’s something else on/near it it’s probably one of Japan’s top 3 mochi toppings: anko (あんこ, red bean paste), kinako (きな粉, soybean flour), or oroshi (おろし, grated Japanese radish). If you don’t happen to find any of these as appealing toppings then you can use your blonde-haired western innovation and create new toppings. For a start, try honey or maple syrup.

This wailing on cantankerous rice usually occurs in December for one big reason, New Years. You might be surprised by this, but (contrary to what some people might think) Japan celebrates the beginning of a new year on January 1 and not how they do it in China; funny, no?

I lost the shell but I still have the leathery skin!

One of the main reasons they make and eat mochi at this time is to kill off a bunch of the older people in Japan, similar to Logan’s Run. They give them these tasty semi-small rice traps with the intent to kill and sometimes it works. However, you’re probably remembering that Japan has the highest average life-span (even though they have evil socialist trotskyite medicine) and now you’re trying to say that I’m wrong. No. The Japanese elderly are a crafty bunch; their doctor might say they’re going to give them a state of the art hip and actually give them 700g of gumption instead (it’s much cheaper) and yet those old people just won’t die.

Don’t go thinking that just because the younger generation is attempting to kill the oldies that there is a lot of animosity towards the youngies; they actually manage to have lots of fun while (most of the time) escaping from the clutches of squishy death. It’s all part of the circle of life and those old people know it.

You’re next, old man.

So what should you take away from this? Enjoy mochi, either the Japanese way or your own, and don’t grow old, ever. EVER.

Oh no, it’s a new and strange Pepsi flavor. What will I do? Is this video rated X? Will I have a special red-headed guest? You’ll just have to watch to find out.

Besides trying some new things, I talk about miso and the different kinds available.

Himitsu no Kenmin Show (from here on out I’ll just be calling it Kenmin Show) is, at it’s core, both an interesting fact filled journey about different prefectures in Japan and a lackluster TV show that goes on about the same thing for way too long. This might seem quite paradoxical to some as interesting and lackluster usually don’t go together in any way whatsoever, but we’ll get to that in time. First, since the show is usually separated into distinct sections, let’s discuss what a regular show might look like.

After the introduction of the show and special guests (usually 20 or so per show), the first “secret” (秘密, himitsu) of one of Japan’s 47 prefectures begins. The formula for this portion (roughly 1/3 of the entire episode) is, like some other parts of the episode, quite formulaic. They start out by talking about the region and naming a food product that everyone knows. Afterwards they will show some footage asking residents of the local area about said secret product, which at this point will show the audience that this is a special version of the stated food item. After this they’ll show the item in a supermarket or restaurant. In the supermarket version you’ll see the area where the product is but you won’t see the actual food, it’ll be covered up like this. They’ll then cut to a house that happens to be eating that particular food. Again, you won’t see anything as they’re just waiting for the commercial break to happen so that they can tell you afterwards. If you happen to be watching an episode with a product that’s bought in a restaurant then you’ll hear someone order the food and then you’ll watch them eat it. There will be a commercial, they’ll come back and give you too much commentary from the local populace and audience members, and then there will be a taste test.

Karikari curry complements crunchy carp.

The second section of the show is usually a couple of little items from a list of revolving topics: strange sayings, very popular local restaurants, surveys, Osaka secrets, and any new idea they might have that they’d like to test.

The last option, especially since this summer, is the never ending story of Kyoichiro (京一郎) and Harumi (はるみ). This is also highly formulaic even if it’s usually interesting; it consists of a two episode story revolving around a particular prefecture. The story in each prefecture is very cookie cutter, but it does a good job at getting across a lot of information in a very short amount of time while managing to create a story that follows the two main characters.

You should have a good grasp of how the show works by now so let’s talk about how the show performs. If you’re watching the show regularly you’re going to quickly notice the extreme regularity in their creation of each section of the show. The topic they’re discussing could be strange and shocking, but after watching over 10 episodes of the show you’ll stop caring about the buildup in the beginning of the episode and just jump ahead to the reveal after the first commercial break. This is probably a good idea, it’s what I do, since by the time they taste test whatever they were talking about you’ve probably already been watching for about 12-15 minutes.

The middle of the show is one of the best parts given it’s weekly change of both topics and presentation. However, some of their newer ideas (who’s the bigger user of X) haven’t been that great and mostly involved charts. I tend to not skip this part of the show, at least in comparison to the beginning.

I’d love to say the same lines in the other 46 prefectures, Kyoichiro-chan.

The story of the constantly moving couple can be interesting or lame depending on the prefecture they’re in at the time. Some areas just really aren’t that exciting and have nowhere near the amount of material to fill two 10 minute segments. While the information they’re showing you can be interesting during this part, the sameness that you get when watching it, even given the fact that they are likely in a very different area, really makes it hard to put up with it; if they keep going along using their cruise control filming a sheet of facts about the prefecture in question is going to start looking interesting in comparison.

That said, it can be enjoyable and interesting to learn how each area in Japan differs from others. While some people have complained about the way the show portrays and exaggerates some “secrets” I still find it worth recording, even if I rarely watch more than half.

(Click here to watch some clips of the show)

“Oreo“, “acting white”. If you live in America you probably know the context in which these two would be used. Black people who decide to act differently than is dictated by the black American culture are called these words. It can be such things as musical preferences, clothing choices, doing well in school, or speech. John Ogbu went to Shaker Heights to search for the answer to a puzzling question – why are black students not doing as well as other students, even in this good school district? If you want to know more about the story, follow the link up top and read it because I’m not going to go into anything else in the story. But while I was reading the article, I realized that African American Vernacular English (AAVE) and black American culture share some similarities with Osaka-ben.

So what defines and sets apart AAVE from the common American dialect of English? If you have any experience (or read wikipedia) you can recognize them as a difference in pronunciation and differing grammar for tenses. What this means for anyone doesn’t speak AAVE is that they most likely won’t grasp all of what is said. Now if you have someone from Osaka speak naturally to someone from Neo Tokyo 3 you’re going to end up with a similar result. While not the most difficult dialect (only taking pronunciation into account, it’s Okinawa-ben), when combined with the sheer number of differing words and phrases it’s very easy for a Tokyoite to be extremely confused by seemingly simple statements spoken by anyone from the Osaka area. If you want some examples read the Wikipedia page or the very thorough MIT site. Unfortunately, for those who can’t speak Japanese won’t really be able to understand how different they really are, which is the exact same position a regular Japanese person is in regarding the difference between standard American English and AAVE.

Really, what be up with that shit.

Now where American blacks and Osakans differ is when they use their own dialect or the common dialect so that they can be understood by all (共通語, kyoutsugo). People who live in Osaka and can speak Osaka-ben know that even though they can understand other citizens of their fair city that they must speak the common dialect in certain situations so that they can get their point across. In other words, I doubt you’d find a person who’d be willing to pass over a good job just because they refuse to use anything besides their native dialect. What you will find is a lot of people who will begrudgingly use the common Japanese dialect at work and then complain about it after they finish working.

Unfortunately it seems that black American culture has decided not to take this route. While residents of Osaka will give up their dialect during working hours, a black person using standard American English is looked at in a negative light if they would do so. The damage this causes is not properly known, but it is hard to see how this is a good thing. It looks like people who cannot leave their dialect at home, be it Americans, Japanese or any other country, will keep fucking that chicken, economically speaking.

I bought the TV in January of this year, but let’s pretend that I actually bought it in September of last year. Now if I was in some other country that I shan’t name (it’s not in Europe) I’d likely have a 1 year warranty, which leaves me stuck having to either pay a large repair bill or buy a new TV. Luckily Japan has a love of warranties almost as great as their love of kanchos (please fear the kancho). What this means in English speak, long warranties. But how long is long? When you have motherfuckers doling out 90 day warranties a 1 year warranty makes it seem like the company is being overly generous. But that doesn’t necessarily mean that a 1 year warranty is long.

A warranty, more or less, is supposed to be a guarantee by the maker that tells you a few things – mostly quality and expectations. However, this isn’t always the case; many countries have warranty laws and some companies pride themselves on having long warranties, but there are many places where you’d be hard pressed to find a warranty longer than a year without paying a hefty fee for an extended warranty. Note: a product with a 1 year warranty doesn’t mean that it’s shoddy nor does it mean that if it happens to last one year without breaking that you should expect it to fall apart soon after. But even if it has good build quality the manufacturer is essentially tell you to shove off if you bought the product more than a year ago. Whether it’s because they’re cheap or that they make products that don’t last long, this makes it seem like the maker doesn’t trust its own creations. In this regard, unfortunately, Japan is very similar to many other countries; a 1 year warranty is usually all you are going to get.

But then something surprising happens. (To take my TV as an example), my manufacturer’s warranty is only for one year but somehow I have a 5 year warranty. I didn’t ask for an extended warranty and I certainly didn’t pay for one so what’s up with this? Big electronics stores. For some reason, the big electronics stores in Japan have decided to use warranties as a battleground to get more customers. This has led to “standard” warranties of 5 years that can easily (and cheaply) be extended up to twice that number.

It even covers battle sword injuries.

Now this is not to say that everyone that works at these stores acts like employees at Best Buy or Radio Shack. They’ll ask you if you want to pay the 3000 yen (or somewhere thereabouts) for the extended warranty and if you say that you’re not interested they’ll never ask again. Actually, one of the few extended warranties I’ve ever bought was one from Japan; when I bought my Xbox 360 I was told that I can get a 5 year Softmap warranty that covers pretty much everything (or at least more than the Microsoft warranty) and it only cost me 2000 yen. Because I was buying a used console this was about 10% of the price; those buying a new console would pay the same price – i.e. a 5 year warranty for less than 10% of the actual product.

It’s sad that manufacturers only give out short warranties here in Japan, but heaven seems to have smiled on the local populace and given them the wondrous gift of strong competition.