Oh yeah, make sure you watch with captions on so you’ll get everything.

Hurrr, fire’s purty.

So what does it all mean? Why does a composition of metals and powder equal a beautiful display of sparks and how does the average Japanese person, an existentialist, incorporate this into their worldview? Although it might seem surprising to some, the displays of all of the festivals in Japan have the same meaning; fireworks are pretty. There really isn’t much more to it than that.

Now I’m not saying that Japanese people are dumb or shallow because they have festivals and shoot off fireworks for no other reason than that they’re fun/awesome/(positive adjective), just that they choose to do it for its own sake. There are times when they are used for a reason such as American Independence, Guy Fawkes Night, Canada Day, etc but a similar equivalent holiday in Japan (Founding of Japan Day, Feb 11, or Constitution Day, May 3) does not have any real celebration to accompany it. These holidays are low key events and everyone usually just celebrates having a day off and not the actual event. If there are fireworks somewhere it is because someone is having a festival with fireworks afterwards.

Right after this picture was taken we were all crushed by a massive 4×4 truck.

Ise city held their fireworks festival on the 17th of this month. I along with other scary and extremely dangerous white people went to go eat some overpriced food and watch things explode. Like many other festivals, people will come very early so they can put down a tarp and claim a spot for themselves and their family. If you don’t grab a spot early enough you’ll be stuck standing or all of the remaining spots are so bad that no one wants to take them. After you get a spot you’re going to need some food and a drink.

Food at a festival consists of the following: tomorokoshi (grilled corn), yakisoba, takoyaki (octopus pancake thingy), kakigori (shaved ice), fried chicken, okonomiyaki (Japanese pancakce thingy), and yakitori. I had chicken and yakisoba surrounded by a thin omelette, delicious, but dangerously so. Festival fare, be it food or drink, is somewhere from 300-500 yen (with the occasional deviation). This means that if you want a beer at a festival you’re going to pay 500 yen or, do the reasonable thing, go to the convenience store; anytime there’s a festival the closest convenience stores always make a killing, why buy one beer when you get 2 for the same price?

Can you find all the chikan in this picture?

The fireworks? Yeah, they were nice to see. And even though there isn’t anything that is being celebrated that doesn’t mean that one can’t have a party just because.

I recieved my health insurance card last year. When you get your card they also give you a list of payment deadlines that will always finish before April. I have been making payments since that time but I did not know that I was feeding the socialist beast; Japan looks like a first world nation so I thought, just like all other first world nations, that Japan’s healthcare system was 100% private so that informed individuals could make rational decisions without being bullied by a dangerous and ravenous governmental entity. How horrifyingly wrong I was. But what was I supposed to believe? The monthly price I was paying was so low what else could have I suspected? I assumed it was low because it was following in the footsteps of it’s big brother, America.

Would you believe me if I said that this is my payment (approx. $200) for the whole year?

I went to the dentist a while ago, this is when I first knew that something was wrong. Everything was going fine (or so I thought) until I realized that she wasn’t asking me if I wanted Hyperwhite XL47 incisors to replace my boring regular incisors and she kept mentioning things that would be cheap and useful (note: I looked up the definition of what she was doing and it was a word like “do prazzical” or something like that). I tried to bring them up in our conversation but she would just not listen and asked be about my brushing habits. I left as quickly as I could, after paying of course, and I went straight to the nearest electronics shop so that I could drown myself in the sound of teeth-gnashingly brutal commerce; I managed to not go on long rants when talking to those around me, but this was only stopped by a sale on a laptop with only 6 units in stock.

The facade finally went away to reveal the true form of the Japanese health care system when I received my new set of payment stubs today. Now I know the truth. I’ve learned that I’m not just paying for my own healthcare but the healthcare of deadbeats and old people (ewwwww). I know that although I only have to pay at most 30% for pretty much anything related to healthcare I am supporting a system that will purposefully try to (personally!) murder me through a committee of samey-looking Japanese suits. Why couldn’t they have emulated the best healthcare system in the world? When I need medical help the government doesn’t know exactly what I need, my doctor and I do. They’re just wasting taxpayer dollars like all the other crazy socialist countries. And if I don’t have any money to pay my doctor then that tells me that I don’t need care, do I? Why would it be good for be to take money from someone who would use it on something much better, like the new iPhone.

This, my largest monthly bill ($40) would be a good down payment on a new laptop. Alas.

I am stuck here for now in this socialist hellhole, but I will try to get out somehow. If I have to shove my dog down my pants and swim to China I’ll do so. Until then I just have to hope that they don’t come for me, if that ever happens I’ll end up as a statistic. This ends my communique.

All of these pamphlets are now part of my dominion.

So today, instead of studying for the Japanese test this Sunday I spent my time with the other students and volunteer teachers celebrating two celestial bodies one chance per year to blow off work and possibly blow off some other things. The first and most important thing we did was write our wishes. The wishes are written on long, thin strips of colorful paper (remember that Japanese is usually written top to bottom, right to left) and you usually use a pen such as this one to write down your wish. I practiced a little bit since I wasn’t really sure what I wanted to write but I finally settled on two.

Sloppily written: “To have a yuakata made (because I’m tall)” and “May I not get cavities”

Per usual, other students did not care about their teeth as much as me and wished for such things as happiness and a better Japanese ability. Pah, I say, Pah; how well can you speak Japanese if all you can do is gum the words? Not very well, gummy. Anyways, we told everyone else what we wished for and hung each one on the tiny bamboo tree that we were oppressing. Afterwards, (as is the case with every single meeting in Japan, ever) we had green tea and cake.

Whether or not I’ll actually go to an event on the 7th of July, the correct day to celebrate Tanabata) is unknown, but if I don’t I’ll make my own event here and I’ll make my furry housemate wear a yukata.

Pictured: The death paddle that’s used on people who write shitty wishes.

When someone says that it’s the rainy season, people might imagine something similar to a monsoon. You must realize that these images are planted in your head by malevolent forces and you must resist them as much as possible; if you don’t do this you will never realize the true power what people are trying to convey when they tell you about the Japanese rainy season.

Pictured: Not Japan.

Rainy season in Japan doesn’t mean that everything is flooded and you see salarymen with their suit pants rolled up to their knees. All it really means is that you carry an umbrella for a month and deal with insane humidity (like, 156% or thereabouts, man). Even if you don’t pay attention to the news/tv/radio you’ll still realize when the rainy season starts because pretty much everyone you see will be holding an umbrella or stashing a tiny one in their purse/mansack.

If you didn’t plan and you’re left without your sky catcher you can go to any convenience store (a rarity in Japan) and buy one. If you hate anything that costs over 105 yen then you can get an even cheaper and crappier plastic umbrella from a 100 yen shop. These cheap umbrellas are usually transparent, which is great for flaunting the law as using a phone or holding an umbrella is technically a finable offense even if you never see anyone ever get reprimanded for either of these. The legal solution is to use an umbrella holder but no one would be caught dead with those except for the undead.

Like all Japanese people, she’s thinking very nihilistically right now. Very common.

Of course it’s not just the number of rainy days that increases during the rainy season, sometimes the sky just ceaselessly craps a barrage of water and makes you wonder if someone didn’t accidentally move a waterfall over top of Japan. During these times you might as well pretend you didn’t have an umbrella because you’re going to be soaked no matter what (unless if you stay inside… maybe).

Japan after rainy season.

By the time you feel you’re used to rainy season and you enjoy the (occasional) cooler temperatures it’s already mid-July and all you’ll get is heat, humidity, and sweaty chikan. And you thought that Indians had it bad? What do you do when you have to ride your bicycle to work and hold a clear plastic umbrella while texting your friends? No one else understands our pain, ESPECIALLY NOT AFRICA.

So miss, what’s your thoughts on the new PM?

Probably cheering himself up by stabbing chickens.

Futenma is a US military base in Okinawa. There was an agreement back in 2006 between the US and Japanese governments. At this time, the majority party in the Japanese government was the Liberal Democratic Party (自民党). Since last year, when the Democratic Party of Japan (民主党) became the majority party, this agreement has been in shaky waters, the DPJ, Okinawans, and many other Japanese citizens didn’t really agree with the plan to keep the base on Okinawa and (with this in mind) the DPJ informed the US government that it wanted to renegotiate the already signed agreement. While the US gov’t was annoyed since this type of thing usually doesn’t happen, anywhere, I get the feeling that hardly anyone in America even knows about this.

Recently, the Japanese government (headed by Hatoyama) agreed to keep the recolcation within Okinawa, to the ire of both DPJ members and Okinawans. Since this time members of his party have been calling for the resignation of Hatoyama, which is finally here. Although, like many recent PMs, there have been some small scandals but I liked Hatoyama as a PM much more than some of the recent ones. One of his biggest issues, I feel, is that he just wouldn’t get rid of the scummy meatbag liked by very few, Ichiro Ozawa. While I don’t really know the details as to why they finally decided to keep things the way they are, I have a feeling that pressure by both the US and Ozawa could have been the cause. I would say the best thing about this resignation is that Ozawa has also resigned; may he constantly have kidney stones.

Hopefully nexty has a better fashion sense.

Let’s go on a magical journey!

Koyasan is, roughly, separated into three mostly distinct areas: the main temple area (Danjogaran [壇上伽藍] and Kongobu-ji [金剛峰寺]), the town of Koya, and Okunoin (奥之院). When you say it like this, it might seem like the area is quite large, but it’s only 2930 Tokyo domes. This number is wildly incorrect since it’s the whole area that’s called Koya, not the area of the town itself (maybe 5 or 6 sq km?).

While the temples are the usual Japanese style of Buddhist temple the important part here is the history, even though it’s now little more than a sightseeing spot with fake airbenders; the founder, Kukai, was one of the influential buddhist priests in the government. Since it’s probably more interesting to look at the architectural accomplishments than the political achievements of someone who died almost 1200 years ago they really don’t give you too much information about Kukai.

Nonetheless, the temples are quite beautiful and are worth visiting, especially Danjogaran, which is a great pagoda to enter even if you can’t take any pictures. Situated inside this pagoda is many buddhist statues and, for some unstated reason, many Japanese coins set on their edge. I’d love to know why people do this; maybe Buddha will tell me before I shiv him.

On the other side of the town is Okunoin (奥之院), this is where Kukai’s (decomposed) body lies. Because he is considered holy and, thus, revered by many the area surrounding the temple has become the largest cemetery in Japan. Being Japan, this means that it isn’t 100% what you would expect from other countries, among the regular monuments are some strange ones; Shingon has a smaller following than other types of buddhism in Japan, but it’s large enough to attract many large companies to build their own little areas; as expected this leads to very strange, but interesting, pictures (if you follow me on twitter you saw the yogurt one). Oh yeah, they also numbered some of the trees there, another thing I wish I understood the reason why.

Like the cool temple with all of the coins standing on end (Danjogaran), Okunoin is also so sacred that they don’t allow you to steal any photons for later viewings. While I understand their reasoning (and I’m not that much of an ass to take pictures when told I’m not allowed), I still find it annoying that you can’t take pictures in some temples but in places right next to them everyone is clicking away care-free. Maybe I’ll depose the emperor and take his place; that seems like the easiest way to change this rule.

Another interesting thing that I couldn’t take any pictures of (but someone broke the rules slightly) is the mirokuishi (弥勒石 miroku stone). It’s a stone in this little cage that people are supposed to use their arm(s) to push a stone up a ledge. It is said that everyone can lift it except for evil people and patent examiners.

Overall, although it’s out of the way for almost everyone Koyasan is a great place to go. When you come visit Japan (Do you know why I said when? Because if you don’t people you love will start dying. Really. Wait 50 years and see what happens if you don’t come visit at least once. telling you that you should really go visit because there’s so many great things to see and they even have some white people!) I recommend that you put it on your list of places to go.

There isn’t really that much in Ise (besides the Ise Shrines) so I went directly to Geku (外宮, outer shrine).

Both main shrines (outie and innie) are sacred so you can’t enter nor can you even take pictures of the shrines from inside the gate. I kept trying to secretly take pictures in the anti-photography area but they had many snipers set up to headshot anyone trying to pull that; after respawning a couple times I just gave up, deal with it.

Chase uses camera shot, it’s not very effective…

The main shrine, Naiku (内宮, inner shrine), is far away from the outer shrine (partially because the Japanese of 7th century Japan knew of the existence of cars in the future and were big proponents; however since Japanese people don’t live 1300 years they themselves never used any motorized transportation). Situated in the same area as the main shrine is the prime tourist-y shops. They’re mostly restaurants and gift shops but most of them hold a special, tasty surprise that makes them crowded most of the time, Ise udon. This is basically regular udon soup with a more concentrated sauce so if you don’t like Japanese flavors you probably won’t like this at all.

You can’t get to Naiku until you cross the river styx, which can be very scary at this time of year (so many lost souls).

The father the son and the holy gundam.

Although Ise is small and mostly boring, it’s still worth the cost of a train ticket to visit at least once. Since the Ise temples (and bridge) are rebuilt every 20 years some of the best times to see the temple occur every 20 years. Personally, I hope to see the temples when they are rebuilt in 2013. Then again, if it takes me exactly 4 months to do 初詣 (Hatsumode) I have a feeling that I might not make it.

A whole new wooooooorld.

Pretz

You might think that these would similar to pretzels given the name but you’d be wrong, Mr. Wrongerson. These sticks are lightly toasted at then covered in, well, something. The two common flavors are roast (red box) and, my favorite, salad (green box). You get two packages in each box so there’s no need to eat them all at once, but I usually do.

Crunky

You say it’s just a chocolate bar, you say “Where’s the huge chalice?”, you flaunt your ignorance. Was Shaq just a basketball player? Is baseball just a sport with moronic liars who obviously use performance enhancers? Are penguins just midget spies? Of course all of these are more than they seem and this includes Crunky. It’s not a boring slab of chocolate and it has a different take on crunchiness than the infamous Crunch bar (the crunches are subtle so to not induce an earthquake). I’d almost buy a plane ticket just to come here and eat one but I’m already here.

Kansai Dashi Soy sauce Potato Chips

My favorite potato chips. I don’t think I like them because they’re linked to Kansai, but I could be wrong. I might like them because the flavor isn’t too heavy, but I could be wrong. It could be that someone managed to do what others were too scared to do (i.e. put fish stock flavoring on a potato chip), but who knows. The important part is that you can only really get them in the Kansai area and they’re always delicious. I feel like it’s just a big ploy by Calbee to stop me from moving.

Curry-man

The man up there isn’t referring to people but manju. The other flavors are tasty but I prefer the curry bun over those losers. I think the reason I like this one more is that I’m actually not a tall and white but just a shell for many, many tiny Indians.

Black Pepper Senbei

Senbeis are OK, but this one makes me leak sewage from my eye sockets because of it’s illegal deliciousness.

They’re full of calories and they’re messy, but that just means I have to make sure I don’t leave any crumbs.

You might not like any of these, but you’d have to come over here and try them first. I can tell already that you want to; it’s ok, I’ll loan you my spare bedroom.