Well, I guess I can tell you a little without having to resort to useless violence. There are these places in Japan that were former ninja lairs while at the same time being a regular town – i.e. hidden while simultaneously not hiding, one of the many secrets of pajama wearers. Since you’ve read this far without punching me (or my fake cockatiel) in the face I don’t see any problem telling you the name of the place I went, Iga.

If you ask Japanese people if ninjas don’t exist anymore they’ll look at you like you’re a moron and give you one of those condescending pats on the head. However, don’t let this fool you, fool, you think they’d actually spill the beans? In the land of rice? Never. Not only are ninjas all around you, but they love to just hang around in the strangest of places for no good goddamn reason. You’d know more about this, but they only show themselves in April and May in Iga. Your first impression might be to fear for your life, don’t. What you are feeling is the little samurai that lives inside each and every one of us. They will feel mighty at times, but not around ninjas.

Although it’s unknown if it’s known or unknown, dogs are sometimes said to be ninjas – dogjas in ninsguise. Nonetheless, there are dog cafes in existence within the city limits of Iga and they sell things in quantities! Although I was emotionally famished just walking through the door I still had enough strength to order a energy revitalizing piece of cake. Unfortunately, before I had the chance to take a bite of it a dangerous, hairy, and extremely small ninja came out of nowhere and ordered me to hand it over in nindog. I acquiesced to its request but ever so reluctantly to show it that I only did so because my training is not that great.

Even as I was giving up and devising a way to get back to my land of ninja-less honey, I had realized that I was being tracked the entire time. Luckily, my brain reappeared (also a ninja) and my newly thunked plan to remove me from my quandary worked like a tchotchke. Seeing as how I’m typing this I’m safe and everything is back to … ninja ninja ninja.

スーパー玉出 (Super Tamade)

The lesser known power ranger combination consisting of just red and yellow.
Fights justice with questionable meats.

No matter where you go, supermarkets tend to be very region specific and Japan is no different in that regard. However, there isn’t any other supermarkets that I’ve been to that is quite like Super Tamade. When you go to a store that specializes in groceries you usually don’t have a very exciting experience, they’re all created quite similar even if you might prefer one place’s wares more than another. Before you even enter a Super Tamade you are visually assaulted with its presence (some more than others); not only does it have a color scheme that’s been turned up to 12 (when 11 is just not enough) but it also makes you wonder if you’re actually going to enter a grocery store or just a pachinko parlor conveniently modeled to look like a supermarket. Someone seems to think that attaching a couple thousand flashing lights and some neon will get people to buy broccoli. I doubt it works but just the act of a place like this existing is almost enough of a reason to buy a ticket to come see it in person.

And there’s more inside. They’ve managed to do things that physicists have classified as impossible, taking the seediness of Osaka and Yakuza and combining it with a supermarket; there are insane bargains on food in the middle of a huge city, 1 yen items when you buy a certain yen amount of goods, and making sure the customers don’t forget that the outside of the store is probably taken from a run down gambling joint (i.e. neon lights inside as well). These things don’t always come as easy as you might (not?) think; they show their seediness mostly by their seemingly non-existant return policy and the higher chance of getting iffy meats. But this doesn’t mean that it’s somewhere you should avoid at all costs; (for those living in Osaka) you can save a lot of money by shopping at the big yellow and red sign of hot dog topping justice, just be careful.

I like my women like I like my specials, exploding.

Jankara (or Jumbo Karaoke)
While it’s quite tame compared to Super Tamade and not very different from other large-scale karaoke joints, it’s surprising how quickly you can go from a place with a cubic crapton of these karaoke boxes to a place without one in a 100 km radius. If you happen to be living in any of the main cities in Kansai (Osaka, Kyoto, Kobe, Nara) you’d most likely guess that this chain is national, from Sapporo down to Nagasaki, and you’d be extremely wrong. I don’t know why they haven’t made their way to any other large close city (Nagoya). Maybe they feel the market is saturated?

Cheap Izakayas (like Torikizoku)
An Izakaya (居酒屋) is basically a Japanese pub. There’s probably no place in Japan that doesn’t have a couple izakayas but none seem to be as cheap as some of the regional places around Osaka. A normal izakaya will have basically the same things as these places but at regular prices, 350 yen and up for food and 450+ for drinks. At the cheaper places in Osaka they’ll give you slightly smaller portions but they make literally everything on the menu 280 yen. This sounds both ridiculous and awesome at the same time – it is. I wish they had some here so I wouldn’t feel like I was getting ripped off with the usual chain izakaya prices.

Objects in mirror are may be larger than they appear.

Hikone is a nice little town on the banks of Japan’s largest lake, Biwa (琵琶). This, and the castle that looks out onto the lake, is what draws people to Hikone. Now even though this might make Hikone seem like a bustling place, it’s not. In fact, it’s quite similar to many places here in 3-ply. Nonetheless, it’s at least worth a visit. The only problem is that I was a little disappointed.

I’ve been to a few castles (both originals and recreations) in Japan, Himeji, Iga, Osaka, Nagoya, and Matsumoto. Because I’ve seen these castles I have some expectations in regards to Japanese castles, and one of these is size. Hikone castle is built like a Japanese castle and has many of the same design elements, but it is quite smaller than many of the other castles I’ve visited. I’d rather not act like a castle slut, but (even just a little bit) size is an important factor; I don’t want to walk up two steep castle staircases only to think, “This is it?”. That said, a huge castle doesn’t necessarily make a great castle, but it’s certainly gives you more to work with.

All I want for Christmas is a box of pills to make my castle bigger.

Biwa lake gave me a similar feeling. However, in this case it’s because of places I’ve been in the US combined with map confusion. Unsurprisingly, Japanese maps show things quite larger than most US maps. This means when comparing the two locations if you don’t keep in your head the fact that they’re each using a different measurement you’re going to over/undershoot distances; this works with natural landmarks as well. Biwa is Japan’s largest lake. (At least for me) When I think of the largest lake in the country it evokes images of the Great Lakes in America. I think you can see what happens next.

I fully realize that it was not a good idea to compare a set of giant fucking lakes where you can’t see the other side in a continent-length nation and a large lake (compared to others in the country) in an island nation; however, one needs a standard on which to compare other things in the same category. Unfortunately for me, what I picked as my standard for lakes was slightly unreasonable – and now I’m stuck with it.

I’m giving a bad impression of the town and I kind of don’t want to do this, it’s a nice town with wonderful sights. The problem is that if you try to compare it with other locations inside Japan it ends up as a middle of the pack destination that can’t really compete with places like Iga (with its castle and Ninja awesomeness) and Himeji. I must apologize to Japan’s (current) favorite mascot, Hikonyan, for thinking badly towards his little lakeside town.

For those of you that are unaware, Thanksgiving is an American holiday; hopefully I’m not really saying this to anybody. But, slightly coincidently, I managed to have a feast at almost the same time as many people in the U.S. Yes the food was very different – yakisoba (焼きそば) and some Japanese sweets – but does it really matter if it’s feastly and eaten beastly?

So one of my Japanese classes takes a week off every half year to take us all somewhere. This year, and also last year at approximately the same time, we went to a little park nestled in a part of the mountain range that separates 3-ply from Nara and Wakayama (和歌山). Just like last year we went on a small hike before eating like those crazy Americans.

To protect its citizens from unprovoked attacks, the Japanese government has put a restraining order on all slinkys.

Afterwards we made our way to (what was once a) castle. Unfortunately, since it wasn’t a castle anymore we were just able to enjoy the view and foliage. Both were very nice and extremely free, which is probably a good thing for a place that just has walls and trees.

Red, the color of Communis, Liberals, and other people whom I disagree with.

While it’s essentially nothing like a regular Thanksgiving day dinner, it was a very tasty (and cheap at 500 yen) lunch that included many windowless vistas. I would have liked “El Dog” to have been able to come with me, but the park decided that it hates animals, but at the same time wanted to save them.

(“To be a good woman!”)

The two places I visited this time were Kashihara shrine (橿原神宮) and Horyu temple (法隆寺). Kashihara is a nice shrine, but quite boring. If it wasn’t for the year of the tiger stuff they have there (like in the picture above) I would have left quickly. This would have been very bad, for I would have missed something that would change my life, forever! I saw a newly married couple get their pictures taken which, per usual, made me want to hitch up with the next vertebrate that I met. What I didn’t know, to my dismay, is that I was the only being in Japan with a spine. Woe is me.

Horyu temple is old. Really old. Old old. Remember when you thought 20 was old? Well take that and make it a bigger number because this temple is older than that. Being one of the oldest wooden structures on the planet “The World” (a scary groupe) decided to designate Horyu as a good place for tourists to visit and take pictures (outside only, of course). Let’s say you would like to see pictures of the insides of the buildings or any of the relics. What you would need to do would be to purchase a plane ticket and get your large coccyx over here and look at them with your own eyes because that’s the only way it’s going to happen.

Let’s go on a magical journey!

Koyasan is, roughly, separated into three mostly distinct areas: the main temple area (Danjogaran [壇上伽藍] and Kongobu-ji [金剛峰寺]), the town of Koya, and Okunoin (奥之院). When you say it like this, it might seem like the area is quite large, but it’s only 2930 Tokyo domes. This number is wildly incorrect since it’s the whole area that’s called Koya, not the area of the town itself (maybe 5 or 6 sq km?).

While the temples are the usual Japanese style of Buddhist temple the important part here is the history, even though it’s now little more than a sightseeing spot with fake airbenders; the founder, Kukai, was one of the influential buddhist priests in the government. Since it’s probably more interesting to look at the architectural accomplishments than the political achievements of someone who died almost 1200 years ago they really don’t give you too much information about Kukai.

Nonetheless, the temples are quite beautiful and are worth visiting, especially Danjogaran, which is a great pagoda to enter even if you can’t take any pictures. Situated inside this pagoda is many buddhist statues and, for some unstated reason, many Japanese coins set on their edge. I’d love to know why people do this; maybe Buddha will tell me before I shiv him.

On the other side of the town is Okunoin (奥之院), this is where Kukai’s (decomposed) body lies. Because he is considered holy and, thus, revered by many the area surrounding the temple has become the largest cemetery in Japan. Being Japan, this means that it isn’t 100% what you would expect from other countries, among the regular monuments are some strange ones; Shingon has a smaller following than other types of buddhism in Japan, but it’s large enough to attract many large companies to build their own little areas; as expected this leads to very strange, but interesting, pictures (if you follow me on twitter you saw the yogurt one). Oh yeah, they also numbered some of the trees there, another thing I wish I understood the reason why.

Like the cool temple with all of the coins standing on end (Danjogaran), Okunoin is also so sacred that they don’t allow you to steal any photons for later viewings. While I understand their reasoning (and I’m not that much of an ass to take pictures when told I’m not allowed), I still find it annoying that you can’t take pictures in some temples but in places right next to them everyone is clicking away care-free. Maybe I’ll depose the emperor and take his place; that seems like the easiest way to change this rule.

Another interesting thing that I couldn’t take any pictures of (but someone broke the rules slightly) is the mirokuishi (弥勒石 miroku stone). It’s a stone in this little cage that people are supposed to use their arm(s) to push a stone up a ledge. It is said that everyone can lift it except for evil people and patent examiners.

Overall, although it’s out of the way for almost everyone Koyasan is a great place to go. When you come visit Japan (Do you know why I said when? Because if you don’t people you love will start dying. Really. Wait 50 years and see what happens if you don’t come visit at least once. telling you that you should really go visit because there’s so many great things to see and they even have some white people!) I recommend that you put it on your list of places to go.

There isn’t really that much in Ise (besides the Ise Shrines) so I went directly to Geku (外宮, outer shrine).

Both main shrines (outie and innie) are sacred so you can’t enter nor can you even take pictures of the shrines from inside the gate. I kept trying to secretly take pictures in the anti-photography area but they had many snipers set up to headshot anyone trying to pull that; after respawning a couple times I just gave up, deal with it.

Chase uses camera shot, it’s not very effective…

The main shrine, Naiku (内宮, inner shrine), is far away from the outer shrine (partially because the Japanese of 7th century Japan knew of the existence of cars in the future and were big proponents; however since Japanese people don’t live 1300 years they themselves never used any motorized transportation). Situated in the same area as the main shrine is the prime tourist-y shops. They’re mostly restaurants and gift shops but most of them hold a special, tasty surprise that makes them crowded most of the time, Ise udon. This is basically regular udon soup with a more concentrated sauce so if you don’t like Japanese flavors you probably won’t like this at all.

You can’t get to Naiku until you cross the river styx, which can be very scary at this time of year (so many lost souls).

The father the son and the holy gundam.

Although Ise is small and mostly boring, it’s still worth the cost of a train ticket to visit at least once. Since the Ise temples (and bridge) are rebuilt every 20 years some of the best times to see the temple occur every 20 years. Personally, I hope to see the temples when they are rebuilt in 2013. Then again, if it takes me exactly 4 months to do 初詣 (Hatsumode) I have a feeling that I might not make it.

A whole new wooooooorld.

For the first day I was looking to go to 高野山 (Koyasan) but since I’m retarded I ended up at 御所市 (Gose city) where they have a tiny replica of a mountain, Mt Katsuragi (葛城山), intended to be used by small burrowing animals. I was already in the area so I decided I might as well play with the replica.

It was pretty far from the town center to the ropeway (2km or so) and since there’s approximately 1 bus per hour I decided I might as well walk; this was probably a good idea since I don’t get an opportunity to walk to places very often (and it showed). I took the ropeway up but I was scared the whole time, you never know when a fight will break out in those things.

There were some nice things at the top, but sadly I was a little too early for the majestic lustflower.

I found out that the residents of Gose are evil individuals that want to, and I quote, “Increase the suffering of all asses manyfold. For only then can the great reckoning come.” I think if it was up to them there wouldn’t be any seats on busses or trains.

Can you think of anything more evil than stealing benches? I can’t.

Actually, maybe I can think of something, not allowing people to kill non-human mammal they see is a crime in a league by itself. The horrors (like this) that have been wreaked on peoples by an uncaring government is almost too much to bear.

After spending some time looking at nothing much I made my way down the mountain just in thyme to take some pictures of ninjas fighting on top of a ropeway car. Alas, since they are ninjas they don’t show up in photographs due to their incredible speed. Let me say that it was a fierce battle with much guitar wailing.