Me and my wife are having some sexual troubles.
This happens every time we try to have sex.

Sometime today, cordite, a lowly New York born lady that made ends meet by cleaning up crime scenes, and uranium-235, a tough-as-nails Massachusetts bred punchfighter detective that drowned his constant everyday sorrows in vodka and peaches, fulfilled a promise that was made a long time ago in Manhattan. None of their friends or relatives really expected that anything like this would happen to either of them, but no one really ever expects events like these.

After jumping from the plane, the met mid-air and their “love collision” caused a bomb of pheromones that has rarely been seen since. Although the locals were not pleased with this PDA there was little they could do about it, you know (flames of love are sometimes overly passionate). Today, because of this overt, but sexy, display of affection there is a museum that displays artifacts that existed at the time of this love-boomshakalaka. Although many were damaged by the shock of hip on hip action there are still some in non-shitty condition. I suggest, if you’re in the area (and you should be), you should stop by and visit this wonderful area of love and seamen.

Everyone who cleans up crimes scenes looks approximately like this.

Every country has some percentage of forest cover. What do you think Japan’s is? Most people would find it surprising that Japan’s forest cover is 68.2%; this puts them as the 12th most forested country in the world. So where is this forest cover as you can’t find it in Kanto or much of Kansai. Well, for the most part it’s everywhere else.

Neo neo neo neo neo neo Tokyo, the setting for another anime with big robots.

As you should know, Japan is on the edge of a couple tectonic plates. Volcanoes and land shifts tend to happen at the edges of these plates, which means that landmasses in these areas are going to be moire mountainous; Japan is one of these regions. How mountainous is Japan? 73%. But mountainous doesn’t mean you can’t build on it (there are many mountain temples in Japan) and it doesn’t mean tree-covered. There’s more to it than a country that concentrates its population on coastal plains.

Aokigahara (青木ヶ原) is the forest closest to world famous Mt. Fuji. Besides being the place where most Japanese go to kill themselves this forest, like the mountain, is sacred and legends say that the forest is inhabited by demons and other spirits. What this means is that the forest is not logged and there probably won’t be any housing plans there any time soon. And just like this forest, there are many hilly/mountainous places where one could have built a house, castle, fortress, something, and yet, in most cases there’s nothing but forest. These areas were (and some still are) sacred and building on or near them could cause trouble with a deity, spirit, or demon. They might not be sacred anymore but since everyone is already concentrated in certain areas there’s not much of a drive to build on these lands.

Yay trees! Where’s the nearest convenience store, I’m thirsty for Calpis.

So what do you get when you mostly build on coastal plains, stray away from building on mountains/large hills, and then get a population of 120 million? Well, you know. If you only go to Japan on vacation that means that you’ll probably go to Kyoto, Tokyo, and maybe Nara. So when you travel from Kyoto to Tokyo (or vice-versa) you’re probably going to take the Shinkansen. If you’ve ever ridden this part of the Shinkansen in the daytime you’ll know that it mostly follows close to the coastline, which means two things: it will be close to towns/cities and (consequently) you won’t see much forest or many trees. When you combine what people consider to be Japan and you give them a little experience that seems to validate their point you get people saying that Japan is one giant city (i.e. no forests).

頑張って、R君とアちゃん。

Oh yeah, make sure you watch with captions on so you’ll get everything.

Hurrr, fire’s purty.

So what does it all mean? Why does a composition of metals and powder equal a beautiful display of sparks and how does the average Japanese person, an existentialist, incorporate this into their worldview? Although it might seem surprising to some, the displays of all of the festivals in Japan have the same meaning; fireworks are pretty. There really isn’t much more to it than that.

Now I’m not saying that Japanese people are dumb or shallow because they have festivals and shoot off fireworks for no other reason than that they’re fun/awesome/(positive adjective), just that they choose to do it for its own sake. There are times when they are used for a reason such as American Independence, Guy Fawkes Night, Canada Day, etc but a similar equivalent holiday in Japan (Founding of Japan Day, Feb 11, or Constitution Day, May 3) does not have any real celebration to accompany it. These holidays are low key events and everyone usually just celebrates having a day off and not the actual event. If there are fireworks somewhere it is because someone is having a festival with fireworks afterwards.

Right after this picture was taken we were all crushed by a massive 4×4 truck.

Ise city held their fireworks festival on the 17th of this month. I along with other scary and extremely dangerous white people went to go eat some overpriced food and watch things explode. Like many other festivals, people will come very early so they can put down a tarp and claim a spot for themselves and their family. If you don’t grab a spot early enough you’ll be stuck standing or all of the remaining spots are so bad that no one wants to take them. After you get a spot you’re going to need some food and a drink.

Food at a festival consists of the following: tomorokoshi (grilled corn), yakisoba, takoyaki (octopus pancake thingy), kakigori (shaved ice), fried chicken, okonomiyaki (Japanese pancakce thingy), and yakitori. I had chicken and yakisoba surrounded by a thin omelette, delicious, but dangerously so. Festival fare, be it food or drink, is somewhere from 300-500 yen (with the occasional deviation). This means that if you want a beer at a festival you’re going to pay 500 yen or, do the reasonable thing, go to the convenience store; anytime there’s a festival the closest convenience stores always make a killing, why buy one beer when you get 2 for the same price?

Can you find all the chikan in this picture?

The fireworks? Yeah, they were nice to see. And even though there isn’t anything that is being celebrated that doesn’t mean that one can’t have a party just because.

I recieved my health insurance card last year. When you get your card they also give you a list of payment deadlines that will always finish before April. I have been making payments since that time but I did not know that I was feeding the socialist beast; Japan looks like a first world nation so I thought, just like all other first world nations, that Japan’s healthcare system was 100% private so that informed individuals could make rational decisions without being bullied by a dangerous and ravenous governmental entity. How horrifyingly wrong I was. But what was I supposed to believe? The monthly price I was paying was so low what else could have I suspected? I assumed it was low because it was following in the footsteps of it’s big brother, America.

Would you believe me if I said that this is my payment (approx. $200) for the whole year?

I went to the dentist a while ago, this is when I first knew that something was wrong. Everything was going fine (or so I thought) until I realized that she wasn’t asking me if I wanted Hyperwhite XL47 incisors to replace my boring regular incisors and she kept mentioning things that would be cheap and useful (note: I looked up the definition of what she was doing and it was a word like “do prazzical” or something like that). I tried to bring them up in our conversation but she would just not listen and asked be about my brushing habits. I left as quickly as I could, after paying of course, and I went straight to the nearest electronics shop so that I could drown myself in the sound of teeth-gnashingly brutal commerce; I managed to not go on long rants when talking to those around me, but this was only stopped by a sale on a laptop with only 6 units in stock.

The facade finally went away to reveal the true form of the Japanese health care system when I received my new set of payment stubs today. Now I know the truth. I’ve learned that I’m not just paying for my own healthcare but the healthcare of deadbeats and old people (ewwwww). I know that although I only have to pay at most 30% for pretty much anything related to healthcare I am supporting a system that will purposefully try to (personally!) murder me through a committee of samey-looking Japanese suits. Why couldn’t they have emulated the best healthcare system in the world? When I need medical help the government doesn’t know exactly what I need, my doctor and I do. They’re just wasting taxpayer dollars like all the other crazy socialist countries. And if I don’t have any money to pay my doctor then that tells me that I don’t need care, do I? Why would it be good for be to take money from someone who would use it on something much better, like the new iPhone.

This, my largest monthly bill ($40) would be a good down payment on a new laptop. Alas.

I am stuck here for now in this socialist hellhole, but I will try to get out somehow. If I have to shove my dog down my pants and swim to China I’ll do so. Until then I just have to hope that they don’t come for me, if that ever happens I’ll end up as a statistic. This ends my communique.

All of these pamphlets are now part of my dominion.

So today, instead of studying for the Japanese test this Sunday I spent my time with the other students and volunteer teachers celebrating two celestial bodies one chance per year to blow off work and possibly blow off some other things. The first and most important thing we did was write our wishes. The wishes are written on long, thin strips of colorful paper (remember that Japanese is usually written top to bottom, right to left) and you usually use a pen such as this one to write down your wish. I practiced a little bit since I wasn’t really sure what I wanted to write but I finally settled on two.

Sloppily written: “To have a yuakata made (because I’m tall)” and “May I not get cavities”

Per usual, other students did not care about their teeth as much as me and wished for such things as happiness and a better Japanese ability. Pah, I say, Pah; how well can you speak Japanese if all you can do is gum the words? Not very well, gummy. Anyways, we told everyone else what we wished for and hung each one on the tiny bamboo tree that we were oppressing. Afterwards, (as is the case with every single meeting in Japan, ever) we had green tea and cake.

Whether or not I’ll actually go to an event on the 7th of July, the correct day to celebrate Tanabata) is unknown, but if I don’t I’ll make my own event here and I’ll make my furry housemate wear a yukata.

Pictured: The death paddle that’s used on people who write shitty wishes.