I put on brownface and got an Indian immigrant to take the test for me. I should have paid him less.

Maybe this is an “I’m sorry we don’t share our interesting statistics, sorry” present, but I can’t be sure since it didn’t say that on the envelope. Nevertheless, I have now reached a level that very few whiteys and zero weeaboos will ever reach. I will now pretend for the next 10 minutes or so that I am important.

What’s interesting is when you go take the test in Japan. The test is almost always at a university of some kind and since there will be people coming from all around to take the test there is definitely not enough room to fit everyone in one classroom, especially since they put a one seat gap between all students. This leads to you only being surrounded by a small cross-section of other applicants which you can only check against the body at large during intermissions. As you progress from level 4, you might notice the makeup (no, not this either) of the group changes slightly; there’s a significant lack of caucasians that take levels 1 and 2.

This isn’t to say that there were a lot of non-asians taking the test in Japan to begin with, there aren’t. The number taking the test at lower levels, like all the other groups, seems to mirror the population of the group in Japan (i.e. the percentages of applicants and the percentages of that group living in the country is roughly the same). However, the number of applicants from English speaking countries who take the test at each level seems to fall precipitously as you move towards the higher levels. Now there aren’t any published statistics on the number of applicants and test takers for each mother tongue (nor any other metric besides passing/failing and where they took the test), but since you must write all the important information needed to create the charts I wouldn’t be surprised if we found out that the organization has made, but does not share, graphs based on this information.

I was going to do all kinds of crazy new stuff to you but I can only do it if you pass 2級! Otherwise, no more WoW buffs.

Because of the lack of useful information, what I am about to say is, unfortunately, little more than conjecture and anecdotes. From my experience, people whose original language is English (or who can use English reasonably well even though it’s not their original language) that are living in Japan have an advantage that Indians, Koreans, and Chinese people don’t; many people here have learned some English and will try to use it. This does lead to a lower number of people who feel they need to know the language, even if they plan on staying here for a while. Related to this is that, most of the time, when they get a boyfriend/girlfriend that person seems to speak pretty good English; even if the native English speaker is trying to learn Japanese they now have a disincentive to learn. A third reason is that there is a large industry that uses only English and requires little to no Japanese, English teaching.

What ends up happening is that, even if they would decide to learn/study Japanese they have trouble since it’s easier to use English at their workplace and, possibly, with their significant other. After so much time passes they just decide to give up studying; by this point they know enough to be useful without knowing enough to engage in everything that a normal Japanese person would be able to do. Asians can’t usually work as English teachers so they are left to work at a place where Japanese is predominantly spoken. This lack of choice makes sure that they continue to study Japanese much longer than, what seems to be, the average native English speaker.

By the way, when I get my results (sometime around February) I’ll make sure to tell you what I got.

I’m hungry so you’re going to learn the word 食べる　(たべる、to eat).

Example 1:
コックは酔っぱらったらフグを食べない方がいいですよ。

コックはよっぱらったらフグをたべないほうがいいですよ。

It’s a bad idea to eat fugu if the cook is drunk.

Example 2:
ゲームセンターの店員は「ドラムスティクを食べないでください」と言った。

ゲームセンターのてんいんは「ドラムスティクをたべないでください」といった。

The game store employee told me not to eat the drum sticks.

Now go practice by yelling it very loudly in a crowded area.

The format will look like this [Word in japanese with Kanji] ([Word in Hiragana], [Word in Roman characters], [Meanings of the word]) followed by example sentences. You’ll get used to it, or not. Onto our first word.

Today’s word is 訳す（やくす, yakusu, to translate, to interpret)

Example 1:
日本人科学者が犬の思考を言語に訳す方法を発見した。そして今わたしは、自分の犬がヒトラーの生まれ変わりであることを知った。

にほんじんかがくしゃがいぬのしこうをことばにやくすほうほうをはっけんした。そしていまわたしは、じぶんのいぬがヒトラーのうまれかわりであることをしった。

Japanese scientists discovered how to translate a dog’s thoughts into words and now I know my dog is the reincarnation of Hitler.

Example 2:
今日僕は、伯父がその詩をタイ語に訳すかどうか見に行った。そうすればその詩を僕の好きな中学生の女の子にあげることができるから。けれども伯父は、彼が人間サイズのピカチュウを抱き締めるのを僕が見ると、断ってしまった。

きょうぼくは、おじがそのうたをたいごにやくすかどうかみにいった。そうすればそのうたをぼくのすきなちゅうがくせいのおんあのこにあげることができるから。けれどもおじはかれがにんげんサイズのピカチュウをだきしめるのをぼくがみると、ことわってしまった。

Today I went to go see my uncle to see if he would translate a poem into Thai so that I could give it to a girl in middle school that I like, but he refused to help after I saw him snuggle with his man sized Pikachu.

Example 3:
肉語に訳さないと死ぬ、ベジテリアンめ。

にくごにやくさないとしぬ、ベジテリアンめ。

Translate this into meat speak or die, vegetarian.

Use it a few times throughout the week and you should be good to go!