Well, I guess I can tell you a little without having to resort to useless violence. There are these places in Japan that were former ninja lairs while at the same time being a regular town – i.e. hidden while simultaneously not hiding, one of the many secrets of pajama wearers. Since you’ve read this far without punching me (or my fake cockatiel) in the face I don’t see any problem telling you the name of the place I went, Iga.

If you ask Japanese people if ninjas don’t exist anymore they’ll look at you like you’re a moron and give you one of those condescending pats on the head. However, don’t let this fool you, fool, you think they’d actually spill the beans? In the land of rice? Never. Not only are ninjas all around you, but they love to just hang around in the strangest of places for no good goddamn reason. You’d know more about this, but they only show themselves in April and May in Iga. Your first impression might be to fear for your life, don’t. What you are feeling is the little samurai that lives inside each and every one of us. They will feel mighty at times, but not around ninjas.

Although it’s unknown if it’s known or unknown, dogs are sometimes said to be ninjas – dogjas in ninsguise. Nonetheless, there are dog cafes in existence within the city limits of Iga and they sell things in quantities! Although I was emotionally famished just walking through the door I still had enough strength to order a energy revitalizing piece of cake. Unfortunately, before I had the chance to take a bite of it a dangerous, hairy, and extremely small ninja came out of nowhere and ordered me to hand it over in nindog. I acquiesced to its request but ever so reluctantly to show it that I only did so because my training is not that great.

Even as I was giving up and devising a way to get back to my land of ninja-less honey, I had realized that I was being tracked the entire time. Luckily, my brain reappeared (also a ninja) and my newly thunked plan to remove me from my quandary worked like a tchotchke. Seeing as how I’m typing this I’m safe and everything is back to … ninja ninja ninja.